My perfect life

Ok, enough time being overwhelmed. It is time to live. Jack and I had a talk this morning on the way to school. We decided we need to focus on now, and try to take everything one day at a time. We are going to live our lives and laugh and cry and be one like we have always been. We are going to try to not worry and to try to focus on the now. Take these broken wings and learn to fly~

Looking towards the future

I contacted Habitat for Humanity and inquired on getting help to make the house livable before we move in. Wish us luck.

Last night was tough. Bill was hyper and agitated. Nights are often tough. Pray for Jack. It's so hard for him.

Grief

Grief comes in so many forms. It is an important part of our emotional makeup but it is confusing. Shock must be an intial response. Sometimes this still seems unreal. How could it happen to us? He's only 55. I think back and want to find blame. His work, the stressful lifestyle of a workahaulic. The truth be known I think we're closer now than we've been for years. He's playful and funny (thanks to the Paxil, lol) and fiesty. His labedo is certainly not affected (more information than you wanted to know I am sure, lol.) During his hospitalization for testing he wandered off and they lost him for about an hour and a half. He tells me he was having wheelchair races with a 90 year old down the hallway. He probably was. His grueling crisis hits, though, out of the blue. He'll become agitated. He paces worrying about not providing for his family. He has some OCD behavior that may drive me crazy. He has this thing about turnng off the lights. He follows me around the house. I turn on a light, he has it off in seconds. He's starting to forget to eat. He can't remember what day it is, or month, or year. He gets lost. He can know longer remember how to teach online, and when we practice it is like starting all over every day. How do I tell him he can no longer work? No longer teach? He lives to teach. He lives to help guide a student into a career that will meet their needs.

I am a bit paralyzed emotionally but need to begin to take action. I want to move closer to my family. Ironically we ended up getting our house back in Arlington. Now Arlington has not been my home for a very long time, and it will never be the same. My folks are gone, many of the folks I was close to have passed, but I have to start a life closer to my family and supports. The house is pretty much gutted from the renters. All my trim is gone, there are gaping holes where someone has punched their fist through. They sold our fireplace, ripped out the carpeting, knocked out walls, and did a hit and miss paint job on the outside of the house. The pack yard is full of sand, and the deck has been cut out. The peaks on the roof are starting to rot. Dear God help me figure out what is important to do and what can been done over time. Finding a job is primary importance. I just can't seem to make myself start on a resume. Again, the paralysis thing. Very strange experience.

Thoughts

11/26/2010
The first round of tests have ruled out a brain tumor and strokes. The doctors have told me it's not stress and it is serious. I knew that. In my heart I knew it. They are calling it cognitive impairment. The neurologist asked me if I can still handle him at home. I feel frustrated because I don't know what it actually is- and because I don't know if it really matters what form of impairment it is. He's been through such a horrible experience here at Lake Superior State University. His first job reviews were superior. Then the power went to Paige G, known to be a man hater and self serving. Bill received support from his coworkers but they were also limited because she has all ready ruined the lives of many. How does someone so evil get the power? I watched my husband go from organized, knowledgable, confident to fearful, stressed, forgetful. We took his poor reviews to the state level and won, but the rewrites were nearly as degrading and by that time he was wearing down. Did this cause the downfall in his health? Absolutely. I believe with all my heart that working in a violent work environment simply speeded up the process of cognitive impairment. When someone takes away hope it is like piercing the soul. Students still call, his co-workers union still call with hopes of "getting her" back and correcting a horrible wrong. Today they sent him a card. He shed a tear. It said they still believe in him. To pursue this legally or not? I think of the years of productivity that he has been robbed of. I am in grief. Jack is heartbroken. He asked me last night if he would be this way some day? I pray but I feel far from God's ear, even though I know He hears. I hear the pounding in my head, the anxiety in my heart and wonder what is the right way to go.

The beginning

When exactly did I notice something was wrong with Bill? And how could it happen to us? Why do I feel so matter of fact? Where do I go from here? Just over a year ago, my sweet husband of 23 years lost his job. The job search started and interviews slowly started coming in. The stress was tremendous for him and probably worked as a mask for awhile, covering his mounting confusion.